11-3-04
Here is a transcript and description of candidate GlitterRock's concession speech.


"We ran a good campaign. A strong campaign. We ran on a platform of change for the better. However pessimistic the outcome is, everyone involved in my campaign should be proud of our work.

"That said -- America, what's your deal, man?! I mean, didn't you GET it? I was the best choice to run the country! I was the smartest candidate running, the best looking, the most humble. I was honest about my dishonesty! But you didn't care! Fifty states -- not counting Canada -- and I didn't even get 1% of the vote from ANY of them! Dude, it's humiliating! I mean, it just ain't cool when there're more write-in votes for Moby Grape, Mary Carey, and Pat Paulsen than there are legitimate ones for me!

"I tried turning over a new leaf, trying the straight-and-narrow way of doing things. But, like, my eyes are clear now. America, you WANT deceit! You WANT underhandness! Well guess what .... you got it! Dudes, the doors! SideMan, bring it in!"

[a series of black-suited thugs closed off all the exits to the convention hall, and the curtains behind GlitterRock opened, SideMan wheeling on-stage the Glitterociter]

"America, you want badness?? Well dig this!!"

[GlitterRock turned to the Glitterociter, he and SideMan started pushing switches and buttons, laughing loudly. The machine flared up, and bright-red bolts shot from it, striking those in the convention hall, sucking them to another dimension one by one]

"If you cats won't elect me to lead you, then I'll do it the old-fashioned way -- by taking over the world! Hehehehehehehehe! Look out, dudes and dudettes -- GlitterRock is back.... and I'M BAD AGAIN, BABY!!"


The webmaster would like to thank GlitterRock for his kind words throughout the campaign, his platform of hope and optimism for the future, and for not killing him with the others.



11-1-04
With less than 24 hours to the national election, candidate GlitterRock has issued an exclusive statement for his online supporters.

Friends... Americans... it's been a long road for everyone involved with our campaign. Everybody's done a amazing job, and I wanted to take the chance to thank them all.

First, thanks to my running mate Nyssa23 and her family. The campaigning has been alot for all of them to adjust to.

Thanks to meqal and LadyBlackAdder, for being gracious and talented enough to offer the various banners and signs featured on the site.

Thanks to everyone who put the word put on the web about the campaign. Being politically-minded is always a good thing -- and when it concerns ME it's an even better thing.

Thanks to all those contributors listed on the site. Thanks to their generous donations, we've got enough money left over to buy me a really nice hat!

Thanks to all my thugs, henchdudes, henchdudettes and henchwenches, for taking care of things in my absence on the campaign trail.

Thanks to all those who signed the site's guestbook, and to all those who sent in questions asking about my position on key issues.

To find out how our story ends, it's up to YOU. Tomorrow, everyone needs to get out there and vote. That way, you can ensure a Glittery future for America. Thank you, and good night.

Remember to check back here through Election Day, where webmasters will be continually updating the main page with the results of each state's voting!



10-15-04
GlitterRock's appearances at the three National Debates have brought even more attention for the candidate's campaign. Below are some excerpts from those events, as well as clips from the events (credit: ABC News).

Do you believe you could do a better job than President Bush in preventing another 9/11-type terrorist attack on the United States?
Absolutely. The solution is simple. Two words - death ray. I'd order miniature death rays for all airports and U.S. locations of importance. No terrorist is going to come fifty feet near anyplace there's a death ray ... which will lead them to either a) give up their nefarious plans, or b) attack areas of lesser-importance, such as Blockbuster Video stores. Who's going to worry when they see the headlines "Blockbuster Gets Blown Up?" No one. In fact, some might actually cheer.

Do you believe the election of Senator Kerry on November the 2nd would increase the chances of the U.S. being hit by another 9/11-type terrorist attack?
Absolutely. Terrorists are watching C-SPAN. They're watching CNN. They know what's happening. In school, when kids get a substitute teacher, they do what they can to take advantage of that. The same'll happen if Kerry's elected. Instead of spitballs, there'll be bombs. Terrorists are just big kids at heart.

As president, what would you do, specifically, in addition to or differently to increase the homeland security of the United States than what President Bush is doing?
Other than my 'death ray' idea, I would institute a "guns for bums" program. The homeless are a huge untapped resource. They're on the streets 24/7 - why not put them to work for the American people? Give them guns and a limited police-authority. And all the donuts they can eat.

What criteria would you use to determine when to start bringing U.S. troops home from Iraq?
The cost. The war in Iraq has cost the U.S. vast amounts of money. Why compound the matter with expensive costs in bringing out soldiers home? I've already had preliminary discussions with Greyhound Bus Lines, and they've expressed interests in sponsoring their return to U.S. soil. Buses would pick them up in Iraq, they'd make their way across the country (with scheduled stops) to the border where special Greyhound boats would take them aboard. They would make their way across the ocean (with scheduled stops) and come back home. The entire trip home would take a total of 263 days from departure to arrival, and only cost the government $52 per soldier!

You just -- you've repeatedly accused President Bush -- not here tonight, but elsewhere before -- of not telling the truth about Iraq, essentially of lying to the American people about Iraq. Give us some examples of what you consider to be his not telling the truth.
Well, his continual "we're winning the war" is an example of lying. Others include "there are weapons of mass destruction" and "the war is over." Oh, and his most recent is "this administration knows what it's doing."

Can you give us specifics, in terms of a scenario, time lines, et cetera, for ending major U.S. military involvement in Iraq?
If I am elected? April 2, 2005. Around noonish. And rather than waste time with moving the military equipment back, we'll simply FED-EX everything back home.

Does the Iraq experience make it more likely or less likely that you would take the United States into another pre-emptive military action?
Pre-emptive military action is always a possibility; to rule it out is to tie the hands of the government. But if it happened again, I'd make sure the enemy in question was well and truly beaten before sending any U.S. soldiers in. I might send robots in first. Or Canadian mercenaries.

What is your position on the whole concept of pre-emptive war?
Wiping out the other guy before he can attack you is a time-honored tradition, going back to Moses inventing the sucker-punch. The one thing to remember, though, is that nature abhors a vacuum. Knock out one enemy and another will pop up to take its place. So my position is - trust nobody.



10-13-04
GlitterRock has received another question (through the QUESTIONS LINK.

Hey Boss.
Since you started this whole "GlitterRock For President" thing, you've been neglecting our groovy "Take Over The World" thing.
Now when... I mean IF things don't work out, are we going to get back down to some serious "Ruling The World" plans again?
Oh, one more thing: since I haven't seen or heard anything of you since you started this groovy kick of yours, I've had to start a side business selling my hotwings on the street to pay the electricity and water bills here at the Glitterdome. How about kicking $200 a month back here to pay for that? That would be super-terrific.
SideMan

SideMan, you and I have known each other for many, many years now, and I value your presence very much. However, I feel a higher calling now - a calling to lead this great nation into a new era of prosperity. To bring about a new dawn of prosperity for the American people, and through them ... the human race. "Ruling" isn't my bag anymore - "guiding" is.
And I'm very very sorry about neglecting the utilities-payments at the Glitterdome. And while I can't spare any extra cash right now during these final days of the campaign, by all means take the $200 out of the Henchdude/dudettes Christmas Fund to make up for that.



9-16-04
While the Republican and Democratic National Conventions made headlines, the other smaller parties' political events went nearly unnoticed. During this, the Manchurian Party officially nominated GlitterRock and running-mate Nyssa23 to be their candidates in the upcoming election. While the convention itself happened untelevised, CNN did show a small clip of the event on September 16th. In the clip, candidate GlitterRock said this on-stage:

"The groundswell of support for my Presidential campaign was so strong that many, many parties lobbied to woo me to their cause. And while I might look to be a natural for the Green Party, I find that my own personal views and ethics led me to only one possible choice. So it's with great pride for both myself and my running mate that I accept the position of the Manchurian Candidate."



7-17-04
Just as this update was being prepared, it was announced that candidate GlitterRock has named his running-mate for vice-president: Nyssa23. In an official statement, she said:

"I'm honored to accept Glitter's vice-presidential running mate position. Actually, he's never had a position that I didn't like, but that's another story. I hope he wins the presidency, because then I'll get an A for sure in my independent-study 'Supervillainy and the Mass Media' course. Thank you."



7-17-04
Even more contributions are coming in from across the country and the world for GlitterRock's campaign! Go to the Financial Contributors list to see everyone's who's contributed in their own way. We thank you all for your generousity.



7-17-04
GlitterRock has received more questions (through the QUESTIONS LINK which he's agreed to answer:

Mr. Rock, I'll be honest with you. You RAWK! But still, I *do* have some lingering questions that I feel need answers before I can feel 100% certain that I've punched the right chad, come November.

1. You've outlined your plans for superheroes, supervillains, henchdudes, and the like. But what about we henchwenches? What about the puppies and kitties?! AND WHAT ABOUT SCARECROW'S BRAIN?!?!?!?!
2. Regarding what you plan to outlaw as President, is there anything else we should expect to be outlawed? Kathy Griffin, maybe? Can I put in a vote for outlawing Jennifer Tilly, too?
3. Can we still look forward to Porch Swing Saturday Nights, or will your Presidential schedule be too full to accommodate this?

Thank you for your time, and may all your Dushku dreams come true.
Agent_Moldy

1) Henchwenches have always fought an uphill battle in their battle for equality. Unfortunately, the fight hasn't been very successful, as they've had to struggle with the reputation of being little more than sex-objects simply because of their stiletto heels and cleavage-popping outfits. If I'm elected, I would fight for henchwench-rights. They deserve the same pay as men, and the same benefits. And I'll also promise to legislate that they be allowed to wear bras on at the very least two days a week.
I'm loathe to do much as far as puppies and kitties are concerned, simply because they cannot vote. But in order to appeal to the pro-animals voting public, I do promise NOT to do anything with puppies and kitties.
And I've already apologized to you on the matter of Scarecrow's brain. Normally my auctions go much more smoothly than this last one did. I promise I'll send you what you won as soon as you return Hitler's brain to me -- there's a bidder in New Zealand eagerly awaiting it. Once that's done, Scarecrow's brain will be in the post for you. I prize my flawless ebay-feedback as much as I do my political approval rating.

2) I don't want to give away too many of my plans for once I'm elected President. But I will tell a brief list of things I plan to outlaw:

Kathy Griffin
Ryan Seacrest
large pop-cups at fast food places with the small bottoms in order to fit in car cup-holders
Most of ABC's sitcoms (and on a related topic, Jim Belushi)
Network logos in the corner of the TV screen
"White Chicks: The Movie"
Jennifer Lopez
The winter will be forbidden 'till December, and will exit March the second on the dot.

And while I can't promise to outlaw Jennifer Tilly, I will instead swear to sever her vocal chords. Plus which, I will make "Diane" the official "coolest name" in the U.S.

3) Yes yes yes. I will not bow to the asinine 'political correctness' of government. I quarantee that Saturday nights will still be filled with Chippendales' dancers, woman with huge breasts, and Rodrigo Obregon.



7-17-04
Once again, meqal has been very kind to supply us with more campaign advertisements. Click on the thumbnails to see the full versions. Thank you, meqal!



7-17-04
The world was saddened at the loss of former President Ronald Reagan, who died on June 5. His funeral was attended by family, friends, world leaders, as well as candidate GlitterRock -- was spoke a few words at the service. Here is a transcript:

"Whether you agree with his administration or his politics, you must always respect Ronald Reagan for one thing -- he worked with a chimp. Speaking as one who has worked with animals on occasion, both sentiment and non, I can attest to the amazing amount of patience you need. And from the stories I've heard, Bonzo was quite the diva on the set; my apologies to the widow Bonzo. I'll always remember the man not as the guy who worked with a monkey ... but as the President who refused to make the death sentence mandatory for supervillain crimes. And for that I'm forever grateful. Rest in peace, Mr. President."




6-12-04
GlitterRock has received more questions from the voting public (through the QUESTIONS LINK which he is happy to answer:

Hi-ho, GlitterRock, I've been following your campaign with great interest since you announced your candidacy, and I wish to ask a question concerning your platform. Now now, I don't mean like shoes or anything. I mean political, since that is what you are running for.
I hear a lot of good things about what you're going to do once you become President of the United States. Yet I am curious as to how you will do in foreign affairs. After all, the United States has other countries to deal with, including Canada (where I live), and I was wondering what your foreign policy is.
And I don't mean just Iraq. What are you plans for the rest of the world?
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this,
Alex Gariepy
My view on this is simple: if it doesn't concern our country, we've no business sticking our noses in it. If you're "country" enough to be in the United Nations, you're "country" enough to deal with your own affairs.
If a country asks for help, I think the proper thing to do is to give it-- for a price. Hey, if your sink's clogged, you pay a plumber to come fix it! Why should the U.S. snake the world's drains for free? We've got bills to pay, too!

And we had a number of poignant questions from meQal:
1) Will you give super villians a much needed tax break?
Absolutely! Speaking from experience, the supervillain-community has always been unfairly singled out in that regard. Headquarters tax, henchmen tax, death-ray tax, the list goes on and on. Do superheroes get taxed? No! Totally unfair! And those who DO fall in a taxable-category never pay-- they usually have wealthy corporate sponsors or grateful cities paying their taxes.

2) Do you plan to increase the need for henchmen in the average citizen's lives?
I have always said henchmen are this country's most underappreciated resource. Everyone should have a minimum of two living with them, whether you use them to help kidnap a celebrity or just to do dishes is your choice.
I will personally be working to raise henchman-awareness once I'm in office, perhaps through some school- programs.

3) Will you finally outlaw Electra Woman's activities?
That is a worthy idea, but I've a better one in mind.
Why does putting on a cape and mask automatically give a 'superhero' the power to make arrests?? It shouldn't. Those powers are held by State and Federal law enforcement agencies. So once I'm in office, I will be presenting the superhero-community with two choices:
One: they can petition to be a legal police-or-Federal law-enforcement agent. As such, they're liable under the law as to what they CAN and what they CAN'T do. So, if Keystone City makes the Flash an official member of the police force, he can't break into Mirror Master's lair without a search warrant. If Spider-Man's going to arrest Green Goblin for kidnapping, he's better make certain he's read the poor man his Miranda rights!
Or two: if they don't want to help the justice-system legally, they can just keep on doing what they're doing... as VIGILANTES! Which means they'll have ZERO legal affiliation! Green Lantern smashes into Star Sapphire's hideout to stop her -- and she can turn around and sue his ass for damages. Not to mention filing breaking-and- entering charges against him!

4) Who ae you considering as a running mate?
There are a number of names I'm mulling over, but as of yet I haven't settled on one. So it wouldn't be fair to say who that person might be.

5) Will you sign a nonagression treaty with Latveria?
Absolutely! I happen to have close ties with the ruler of that fine country. There's no reason for the U.S. to bother itself with Latveria's doings. And if necessary, I would be willing to name Mena Suvari as the official U.S. ambassador to Latveria in order to remain on friendly terms.



5-29-04
MeQal, lauded king of the Rednecks, has given us three more campaign ads to display. Click on the thumbnails to see the larger versions. We thank him for his innovation and support.



5-29-04
More and more contributions are coming in for GlitterRock's campaign from both corporate sponsors and from private citizens, and the Financial Contributors list has been updated accordingly. We thank you all for your generousity.



5-29-04
While promoting the release of his movie "Paycheck" on DVD, actor Ben Affleck announced that he was formally advocating GlitterRock as his candidate of choice. "GlitterRock's message of hope and change for this country can't be argued with," the 31-year old Oscar-winner told the customers at a Reno, NV Blockbuster Video, "and his stance of severe financial penalties on pain-in-the-ass celebrity fiancees really appeals to me."

Affleck cut his appearance short ater being informed by store managers that he had a $30 late-fee for an overdue copy of "Pooty Tang." He was later seen at a campaign fundraiser for GlitterRock at the Glitter Gunch club in Las Vegas later that evening.



5-20-04
While press here in the U.S. remains muted on GlitterRock's candidacy, we are gratified that in the Netherlands, the campaign is getting recognition! Jaap Jansen, deejay on the popular Radio 192, has given a special link to the official site on his weblog page, and we here at the campaign are most grateful. For those of you in the Netherlands (or even here in the States) who want the best in music, click over on the logo below for Radio 192, and here for Jaap's weblog (feel free to use babelfish or worldlingo to translate)! Netherlands, we salute you!



5-20-04
It was announced that Wednesday evening, California Senator Helen Brucker was found dead in her west Los Angeles campaign headquarters. Police haven't released specifics about the scene, but sources claim that she was found murdered at her desk.

Brucker had been one of GlitterRock's most vocal political supporters since he announced his candidacy. Though she made time to help candidate GlitterRock with his campaign, she was seeking reelection as Senator. Her biggest rival, Mike Conley, had been gaining public support in the polls, until his public admission last week that he was a pedophile.

The GlitterRock campaign has released an official statement, saying that candidate GlitterRock was "shaken by the news."



5-19-04
More and more fine individuals are giving money to the GlitterRock For President campaign, and they've been added to the Financial Contributors' list. We appreciate their support.



5-18-04
Scoop Klutzka from the Simpleton Daily Times Star Tribune has submitted campaign questions to GlitterRock (through the QUESTIONS LINK, which the candidate has been all too happy to answer.

1) Will you flip-flop or will you be wearing flip flops?
I openly pledge this to the American voters: I promise that I won't NOT change my stance on issues depending on how the public feels on them. As President, I will listen to my people and give them exactly what they want, if not when they want it.
As for footwear, my position on what goes on the Glitterfeet has never changed. Four legs good, two legs bad, sandals completely UNcool.

2) Where were you when we invaded Grenada?
In the lobby of the Magnolia Theatre, arguing with a pimply usher to get my money back for "Superman III."
What happened in Grenada was a horrible, horrible thing. But believe me, it pales in comparison to enduring Richard Pryor and Robert Vaughn for two hours!

3) Rumor has it that you get your hair done by Cristoff. Will this lead to many delays?
It is true that Cristoff is the *only* one I'll trust with my hair. And that it usually takes about 4-6 hours of work, involving a precise process of moisturizing, energizing, highlighting, and a special form of lazik-surgery for my folicles.
It's my belief that a country is only as good as the hair of its ruler. So in order to prevent any such delays from occuring, if I'm elected I shall make Cristoff the official Presidential hairstylist. That way, he will be on call 24 hours a day in case any hair emergency befalls the First 'Fro.

4) Are you prepared to handle the rigorous vacation schedule set by our current president?
The first thing I will do when elected is put an end to the wasteful, 12-week Presidential vacation period. It's senseless and shameful. To wit, I will adopt a new working schedule for myself which kill keep me from needing any vacation time whatsoever.
Tuesdays & Thursdays I will work from 10am to 4pm, allowing for an hour-lunch break. Thursday I will only work half-a-day, from 12pm to 3pm, including an expanded 90 minute-lunch break from which to relax from the pressing matters of state. And on Mondays, I will work exclusively from my bedroom, signing any bills and whatnot and taking calls, attending to any business which can be handled from my bed. The rest of the time, I will be *off-duty,* taking the time to rest and relax.
With this new Presidential work schedule, I can take the time other Presidents would be wasting elsewhere, and put it to use working for the American people! Providing it falls withing those specific times, of course.

5) Will you call the FCC hounds off Howard Stern's back and help bring fart jokes and sex talk back to prominence on morning radio where it belongs?
I will bring this new age of free-speech fascism by the FCC to a swift end. When one gets up in the morning, one doesn't want to endure listening about foreign policy and political scandal before going to work -- they want to hear wacky song-parodies, irreverent banter, and suggestive innuendo!
In fact, I hope to enact a policy where the U.S. Government would be willing to fund radio-stations, as long as they condence news and weather-reporting to a three minute block at the top of the hour.... and dedicate the rest of the schedule to sexy talk, such as interviewing en and women who claim to have had sex with celebrities. Why endure a diatribe from Anna Quindlen when you can hear about Hugh Jackman's on-the-beach sex romp with a mysterious woman?? If you had your druthers, would you rather listen to George Stephanopoulos, or a first-hand eyewitness account of Catherine Bell popping out of her dress at a celebrity function?? I think the answer is clear.



5-8-04
Already, GlitterRock's noble run for the Presidency is bringing in a groundswell of support in the form of financial contributions. As a way to say 'thank you' to those who donate money to the campaign, a special Financial Contributors' list has been started to announce everyone who was so generous with their money.



5-7-04
On Friday May 7, 2004, the official "GlitterRock For President" website went online. It will be THE source for continuing coverage of GlitterRock's run for the Presidency.

To commemorate the launch, here's a wonderful campaign poster which was created by renowned king of the rednecks, meQal. Click the thumbnail for the full version.



5-1-04
World-infamous supervillain GlitterRock shocked the country by announcing his intention to run for the office of U.S. President!

Five months previously, the green-afroed villain had received notification from his attorneys that all of his arrests and convictions from his 28+ year career in crime had been overturned (click here to view letter). Since then, he'd slowly been planning his candidacy. "Those two old dudes running are too square to run this country!" he said. "There needs to be a change in the White House -- a big GLITTERY change!"

GlitterRock displays lawyers' letter at press conference

When asked for a comment on the announcement, John Kerry called it a "travesty." President George W. Bush, however, took a more low-key approach. "I wasn't much into Krofft shows when I was a kid. I was more of a 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' guy. Now if Shredder ran, I'd be a-scared. But this guy? He's no threat."





Return To The Main Page